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For Protein’s S(h)ake!

Looking to vamp up a workout? Read on to see if shakes are for you.

Three brave U Prep athletes sacrificed time and taste buds to solve an age old mystery: can protein shakes be delicious? Senior Abby Kauff, Junior Josh Wah-Blumberg, and Sophomore Emily Weintraub suffered through four different varieties so you don’t have to.

“Kind of sour” Body fortress

“Body Fortress” sparked plenty of confusion among the contestants. Flavor was especially disputed. Kauff adamantly believed we “took some vanilla pudding and put a lot of water in it.” While Weintraub agreed on the vanilla notes, she also thought it was “kind of sour [and] tasted like milk.” Meanwhile, a bemused Wah-Blumberg could only say it “tasted tropical.” As for its purpose, “It’s for afterwards revitalizing and re-hydration” Weintraub theorized. Overall, not a hit— but not terrible either. “It’s decent. Emphasize: decent,” Wah-Blumberg insisted.

“Smells like a Clif bar” PlantFusion

Let it be known that PlantFusion actually reduced someone to tears. Kauff’s eyes watered when she caught a whiff, then remarked horrified, “it smells like crap.” But perhaps we should take her warning with a grain of salt because Wah-Blumberg said, “it smells ike a Clif bar.” Interestingly, Weintraub was convinced we had sneakily replaced her shake with hot chocolate. However do not be fooled, she said it had the “same grossness” as Body Fortress. Throughout this test we were repeatedly shamed for our lackluster stirring skills, which the poor victims told us severely decreased the drinkability of this shake. Wah-Blumberg remarked, “It doesn’t really have much flavor…maybe [because] it’s all stuck to the bottom.” PSA: invest in a whisk if you’re planning to get ripped via protein powder. All in all PlantFusion was not a fan favorite; Kauff spoke for the group when she said she would “never in a million years” drink it again.

“It tastes like weird chocolate milk” Leanbody

Ding ding, winner! … Sort of. LeanBody passed the test with as many flying colors as seem possible under the scrutiny of these tasters. “It’s not bad… It tastes like weird chocolate milk— like someone put something in my chocolate milk when I wasn’t looking,” admitted Kauff. Weintraub raved, “Ooh that one’s good, that one’s better,” while Wah-Blumberg didn’t know quite what to think; “It tastes and smells chocolatey [but] it has that watered down effect all these drinks have.” Weintraub took a guess at the benefits of the shake, stating she thought it was for an “afterwards replenish after a long workout.” The biggest vote of confidence for LeanBody came when Kauff conceded she “might” drink it if she could “know what the benefits are” beforehand. To sum up, if you’re looking for a tolerable (if not quite delicious) shake, this may be your best bet.

“It takes a turn for the worst” Advantedge

Wah-Blumberg doesn’t sign off on this one, and that should tell you all you need to know. Wah-Blumberg outlined the whiplash of sensations he felt while tasting “AdvantEdge: Carb Control”: “It enters your mouth, wham-bam-thank you-ma’am you’ve got yourself some chocolate, and then it takes a turn for the worst.” Kauff had no words to describe her experience except, “I don’t like it.” She then proceeded to answer the rest of the questions by firmly shaking her head and moving the cup as far away as possible. While Weintraub gave the shake a solid 3-rating, she did say it tasted “really watery” and that she would not drink it again. Wah-Blumberg made it clear there would be some serious hoops to jump through to get him to gulp this one down again: “I might drink this again. If it was given to me. For free. And if it didn’t make me feel bad about my body.” Well, never let anything make you feel badly about your body, people (even if it is in a sleek silver and purple bottle and claims to have only 100 calories)!

By Emma Kellogg

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